I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
