That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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