I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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