I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
