Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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