This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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