Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
