my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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