Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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