Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
