Cold hands, warm shart.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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