The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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