You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
