they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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