I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
