I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
