..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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