I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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