i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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