Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize