the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize