When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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