Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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