Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
