I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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