checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
