I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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