I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
