guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
