so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
