I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
