just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
