drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
