Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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