Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
