i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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