I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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