Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
