where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
