you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
