You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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