This girl is more easily done than said...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
