So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
