No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
