I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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