I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
