I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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