So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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