DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize