i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
