I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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