Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
sex in a hospital.. check
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
