why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
