if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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