I want to have your abortion
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
