tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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