the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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