life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize